At my safehouse again.

I had to come here last weekend and this weekend too.  I am not sure if I am going home tonite either.  I am not sure why after all of these years I cannot take this way of life much longer. Twenty-nine years of staying at other places.  Mini separations.  On again off again.  Ups and downs.  Fearful of the person who is suppose to be my partner in marriage.  Should be my best friend.  The one who I should be able to run to not run from.  My heart is aching from the stress of how will this way of life effect my future job?  If we have to move into an apartment how many times will the neighbors have to call the police?  Will he drive to the old house instead of a new one?  Such worries and we haven't even moved yet.  But right now what I am fearful most is how mentally ill my husband is.  I really believe that he is suffering from some form of dementia.  I mean his brain cells have been pickled for so long and he is truly going down mentally as well as physically.  And I am getting the bad end of the deal.  He is becoming worse and worse with less and less alcohol consumption.  I could give details of my suspicions of mental illness, but there are too many situations and not enough time to write it all down.  I just am so tired.  Tired of being the only one working.  Tired of only making minimum wage when I have so many credentials that say I should be making more.  I am tired of having to work two jobs to make ends meet.  And really worried at this time because the ends have not met in quite some time.  I am tired of being in my fifties near retirement age in a few years and instead I am going to have to continue working til I die.  I am tired of not getting enough sleep.  I am tired of not getting any rest.  I am tired of being tired.  And I continue to battle depression daily.  I know if I were not so exhausted mentally and physically I would not be struggling with any depression at all.  I am not sure how much longer I can endure this way of life.  I am truly considering a legal separation.  I will never divorce my husband but I cannot live this way much longer.  I am losing everything I worked for anyway, what is left?  I was homeless before and I prayed I would never be again.  At my age and with my education, being homeless should never be in the thoughts.  I can leave and live a normal life, but will it ever be normal as long as my husband is alive?  I don't mean to be cruel with that but I mean as long as he is alive I will always be the wife of an alcoholic who is abusive in every form.  And the fear of what he will do someday is choking the life out of me.  I am staying at my safe house.  It has an open door policy.  When I go back, which I always do, I know that I can come back any time.  I am grateful I have my safe house.  I sleep without interruption.  I don't have to use my inhaler as often.  I eat healthy.  I have godly counsel at anytime.  I have the freedom to be me.  I need the retreat feel, the spa feel, the bed and breakfast feel of being a human being.  I get refreshed here.  I am not fearful of what will happen to me here.  I can breathe both physically and spiritually when I am away from my husband.  And yet even as I write this I know I will go home and play the game all over again.  He will sober up and do good for a while and then bam!!! the cycle starts all over again.  I should know.  I have been living this way for 29 years.  Endurance would be the word I would tattoo on my wrist if I did get a tattoo but won't.  Just saying that is my word that I have clinged to for so many years.  Enduring this way of life can only be accomplished with the help from the Lord.  I would have committed suicide years ago if it weren't for the love and forgiveness of our Lord and Savior.  Jesus has carried me for so many years over all of the obstacles that get in the way.  Been through every step of this marriage with me.  Been my rock of salvation.  My shelter in the storm of life.  And He continues to be there this very minute.  I will survive this.  I will survive and come out victorious.  This battle is not being fought alone.  I have my family and friends who pray for me and this dysfunctional way of life I live.  I have my church family who love me unconditionally.  I have my safe house and I have you, my online friends who listen and do not judge.  I am blessed beyond words and that is what keeps me going.  Prayer and friends are like medicine to my soul.  And words, being able to journal my thoughts, my fears, my worries, my life are what keep me going.  And I have shared alot in one big paragraph and run on sentences.  But my thoughts and fingers were on a roll and I couldn't stop.  I needed to express myself and this blog is mine.  I can post what I want without being critiqued and graded on the content.  No teacher to penalize me for not writing a proper paper.  This is how I felt this morning and praise the Lord I had the opportunity to express myself without interruption.  I am so used to having to limit my time on the computer and at my safehouse I don't have to worry about getting caught being online.  Thank you for listening.  I am feeling better just being able to write this.  I will let you know how things are going.  I have an interview here in an hour so I need to get ready.  I will keep you informed of my life.  Oh, my life...