I have not had any opportunities to get online for quite some time. School takes up most of my online time. And have to sneak when I can. Feel like I am doing something illegal or immoral when I get on my blogs or the online groups I belong to. Hubby hates with every fiber of his being the computer so I cannot get on it as often as I want. Had a virus also for a couple of weeks so that was a burden. Had to drop my class (marketing) and will start it back up on the 29th. Only two more classes and I am finished. Hallelujah.
I want to wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving. For many this is a joyous time of celebration with family. But for many this is a time of turmoil. It always has been for my family. But this year is going to be different. My husband will be sober. He has not been sober on a holiday, any holiday, for many many years. I have not been able to post this until now so let me bring you up to date some.
On Sept.13th I had been staying at my safe house for the fourth day. But at about 9 pm that night I got a terrifying phone call. My daughter said that she got a phone call about some police cars, ambulance, and firetruck was at the house. My pastor's wife drove me over there immediately. All I could think of was something was wrong with my son or my son had called about his dad being sick and he has no vehicle. Well, I get there and all that was there was some police. Anyway, they brought me up to speed on what happened. The neighbors found my husband in my daughter's truck. At first they thought he was just passed out due to over drinking, so they went inside their house. Sometime later they went outside and he was still in the truck and it was still running. They realized what was going on and called 911. The police had to break the windows and drag him out to recover him. He had ran a hose into the truck and intended to kill himself. He had high toxic levels of carbon monoxide and had to be hospitalized for a day and then they put him in a psych ward. He survived and had not had a drink since. He is on medicine (antidepressants). He says he has no desire to drink anymore.
We don't discuss what happened. And we are learning to live with one another in a sober relationship. He is not drinking, but I will always wonder if he will fall off the wagon and when it will be. He is still as controlling if not worse now. He is using his depression as a way to keep me home except for work. He says he can't handle being alone. He doesn't want to discuss any negative subjects cause he can't handle it. So, I feel as if I am still a prisoner of my marriage. I am very depressed myself and have no outlet except for journaling. I don't get much time to spend on journaling or reading the Word of God or any devotional time with the Lord. I miss so much church services that I am feeling it in my spiritual walk. I miss blogging. I miss studying my Bible and other books. I want to be able to spend time with the Lord and with the two jobs and school and my husband I have no time for me and what I want to do.
I need to be able to share my feelings with someone and have no opportunities. So, if you don't hear from me for days or weeks at a time that is because my life doesn't allow time for blogging. I will try to get online at work occasionally and make a post or two when I can.
May you know that you are blessed this Thanksgiving and every day.
Love to all , Marshel
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