Finally able to post

I was not able to even post a Merry Christmas or anything but now I have an opportunity to at least say hello.  This may be my last post of the year.  I work too many hours and never have a day off during the week.  So, how was your Christmas?  I spent hours in bed and could not quit crying.  I tried to share with my son about why I was crying but it turned into the most depressing moments I have ever been through with my son.  He is so emotionally unstable.  Me crying and trying to explain why just upset him beyond normal.  I mean he went off the deep end.  He could not handle his mom crying and the reasons behind it.  See, I am so tired.  Tired of just living with my mentally ill family.  My husband is not drinking but the depression is so overwhelming and he can't handle any amount of stress or problems.  My son is back on drugs and well there is no telling when he will end up in jail again.  My daughter treats me like her father has for as long as she has ever known.  During Christmas morning she let me know how annoyed she is with me. See I am always worried about what is going to happen that I am a nervous wreck and it is getting worse.  She just hates having me around most of the time. So, I enjoyed the time with the grandkids but it was short because they had to go to their dad's.  Our dinner was delicious but quiet between the adults.  My husband hates being around people and this year is no different in that respect.  Only difference is he was sober and that is so different for our family.  It was awkward.  Well, I didn't even get to stay for Christmas service because they had planned dinner during the hours I should have been in church.  I would have ended up crying anyway.  I came home after the kids left and went to bed and just cried and cried.  And my husband couldn't handle me crying so I eventually got it together and pretended I was okay.  With my son I convinced him I was okay and that I would not cry anymore.  It is what he wanted to hear.  My children think I need medication because I am acting weird they said.  Well, coming from them that could be hilarious.  I was diagnosed bipolar years back and have been dealing with it without medication.  I have just relied on the Lord and my friends and prayers to help me get through depressive moments.  I just needed to have a good cry I guess.  I never cry.  It is not healthy to keep emotions in.  I have not been able to journal or blog and share it with writing either and that has always been a mental health aid in my life. I have always been able to journal and it was my therapy.  Without any outlet I guess the tears just fell.  I am writing quickly and with run on sentences because the husband could wake up anytime.  I am not going to let depression get the best of me.  I will overcome with the Lord's help and there will be victory once again.  I just am so tired.  Physically tired.  Emotionally tired.  Mentally tired.  And well just exhausted due to my age and the life I am in.  So,  I pray that this new year will be one of healing.  I pray there will be less stress.  I pray that life will be more gentle to me.  I pray that my family will be less demanding.  I pray I will quit enabling them.  I pray to overcome codependency on my husband.  I pray that I can glorify the Lord in the year 2012.  May you have a happy new year and many blessings this new year.  Thank you for the prayers and may I always remember to pray for you, my friends.  Love in Christ, Marshel