It has been a while since I have submitted a post. Sorry. I was swimming in that black pit of depression. I jump in every now and then and each time I find it difficult to come up for air. I know that my friends pray for me during these times and for that I am thankful. The prayers that go up to the Lord are like a lifeline. And finally I am here, writing again.
During my teenage years I started suffering from depression and had no outlet. See, in the 70s no one talked about being depressed. Kept personal matters to yourself. So, I started writing. Writing poetry and in my "diary". I started writing my friends long, long letters. I started keeping a notebook with my best friend. And I even painted sunsets. Sunsets of all colors and feelings. This was before art was considered a form of therapy. I did what I needed to do to make it each day.
I gave myself the nickname "Sundown" and there was an Eric Clapton song called Sundown. And my theme was "don't let the sun go down on me". I was not truly suicidal but I had no real reason most days to stay alive. So I would say "stop the world and let me off, wait, maybe I will get off tomorrow" and then I would just keep saying that each day.
I did not really want to die. Just so depressed I had no other thoughts but to just stop the pain. I started drinking when I was 12 and would drink until I passed out. I did not want to party or have fun or be a social drinker. I just wanted to drink so I would pass out. I needed to sleep. I needed to close my eyes and let the world go on without me. I took downers to go to sleep not to get high. I truly needed to sleep. Today I am an insomniac. I only sleep 4 hours a night. I still need to sleep. I love it when I have surgery. I look forward to the medicine that puts you to sleep and that is the greatest moment of my life at the time - to go to sleep and not wake up for quite sometime. The nurses actually have difficulty waking me up in recovery. Subconsciously I do not want to wake up. But I have to wake up and participate in the real world called life. I no longer take any meds to go to sleep. I have a bottle of sleeping pills that the doctor prescribed to me four years ago and have only taken one pill out it. I will take night time cold meds if I am so sick and need to rest. If I have a headache I will take a pain reliever with pm, but it is very seldom. I quit taking drugs twenty-nine years ago and have no intention in taking any meds to help me with the depression or insomnia. I just turn my life over to God and pray He will help me through the pain. Physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain...
I get very upset with people who attempt suicide. I struggle to stay alive every day and they take the chicken way out and try to take their life. I know the Lord has something in store for me. I am 51 years old and am still waiting for the Lord to show me what He has planned for me. I have had to endure so much mental anguish that my shoulders must be stronger than the strongest man alive. The Lord says He will not put on us more than we can handle. I must be able to handle more than I think. I continue to ask the Lord "how much longer must I endure.........." And I still wake up and have another day to breathe. So He must not want me to leave this world yet. What must He have in store for me still? Why am I still alive when I have been wondering why haven't I died yet for so many many years.
Why am I telling you all this? I need to talk to someone about it and what better person than my friend? I was diagnosed years ago as manic depressant or as they are called now "bipolar". I think I have every right to just be depressed. Won't go into detail. Most of you already know my life. It has been like this for almost all of my life. I am a depressed person. I suffer depression. But I am also able to "get through the valley of death" with the help of our Lord. I may go long periods of time and not have a bout of depression. Or I may be truly depressed and just not let no one know. Or I may be depressed and in denial. Or I may be depressed and try to hide it when the only one I am hiding it from is myself. I just want to finally admit it outloud and in writing that I am depressed and I am a Christian. The difference between being a depressed teenager that I was and now is I have the Lord in my heart and He is my Savior and my Lord. Without Him I was a very lonely depressed person with a black hole destroying my heart. Now I still get depressed episodes but I am no longer lonely. The Lord is there with me through it all. I have a lifeline that pulls me out of the pit and keeps me safe and secure. I have my Christian friends who pray for me and who are God's helpers.
I am not depressed today. I may be tomorrow. But for today I am okay. I am still suffering those same things I do each day. I just am enduring them stronger and more healthier today. Today I am okay. Today I am posting to my blog. Today I am praying for others and wanting to live. I do not want you to take this message and say oh no Marshel is depressed and suicidal. Quite the opposite. I am talking about it so that means I am not suicidal. I am never suicidal. Just tired. Just needing rest. Just exhausted. Just needing to get some sleep.
I pray for rejuvenation. I pray for renewal of spirit. I pray for a new heart. I pray for strength to make it yet another day. I pray for endurance. I pray to find shelter in the Lord's arms.
I thank the Lord for each of my friends who care about me. Today I am not having a pity party. Today I am still selfish in the fact I have just posted this very long entry and it is all about myself.
I am going to write in my journal. I am going to write my journal buddy. I am going to read my online group posts and I am going to get some rest now before going to my second job. Things don't look so great for my marriage but what is new? I just need to turn it over to God and have Him provide the necessary help to help me overcome depression and to handle my marriage.
Thank you for listening. You don't need to respond. Just continue to pray for me and pray for others you know who are suffering from some kind of depression.
Thank you for praying. Your sister in Christ, Marshel
I am praying Marshel...
ReplyDelete